Slice of Life
by Terry Moore, Editor Emeritus

I don't watch a lot of television but I must confess I often enjoy the commercials more than the programs. Right at the top of my favorite commercials are the clever, satirical spots done for ESPN's Sportscenter. They're so good they're almost defining an art form. Imitators do their best to capture the same comical spirit of these spots but they usually fall flat on their face. Meanwhile, I muse and daydream on the sofa, wondering if I can do any better as a Creative Director of TV Golf Commercials. As my captive focus group, let me throw out some script ideas I have in the hopper.

Pro V1 Spot: With a camera angle from behind, shot of a lone golfer on a tee faced with a carry over a water hazard. His playing partners, all joking and kibitzing, are off on the side in a cart. The golfer hits his ball and the camera picks it up splashing in the water. Golfer frowns, reaches in his back pocket, discovers he hasn't a ball, and says, "Hey Charley, throw me a ball." Camera turns toward Charley and two sleeves of balls sitting in the cart--Brand X and Pro V1. At first he reaches for the Pro V1 but his companion in the cart stops him. Instead, Charley throws him a Brand X ball. Tag line: "Some things are too valuable to be wasted."

TaylorMade clubs: Don't know exactly yet how this spot is going to start out but I know it's going to end by watching the camera chase down the hollows of a magnificent links course, all under the constant score of lilting Highland music, to finally find a grizzled, tweed-capped Scotsman using his wedge to beat the stuffin' out that dang bagpipe. Tag line: "Love my clubs, can't stand the music!"

Public Service Spot Against Cigar Smoking--this would be my agency's "pro bono" public health spot. Still working on a couple script ideas here. Maybe use a song like "Thanks for the Memories" while showing portraits of now deceased cigar-smoking Tour Players who succumbed to cancer, like Ô97 Ford Senior Player's Champion Larry Gilbert. (By the way, when did the cigar industry earn a reprieve from the smoking taboo?) Possible tag line: "What this country needs is a good five-cent coffin."

PGA of America--Still mulling over some final touches here but essentially I'm looking at an opening scene of a shopper at a golf store being given the hard sell on buying a new $500 driver. Fasting-talking clerk has his arm around the guy and says: "Trust me, Ernie, your golf buddies on Saturday morning will beg to tell you where you found such a club that drives the ball so long." Next scene: The shopper now on the tee boasting about his new driver. He hits a monstrous drive but to his pal's devilish delight it ends up in the deepest part of the woods, next to some Mayan ruin.

One buddy wisecracks: "Hey, Ernie, did the GolfBarn give you a guarantee on both long and crooked?" Tag line: "Next time, don't just try to buy a golf swing. Take a lesson from a PGA professional."

Foot-Joy--Scene is a Tour stop. Name players such as Parnevik, Love, Jacobsen all on the practice tee hitting shots. Next to the range is a busy highway. Not once but twice a late model car speeds by and someone yells out from the window in trite yahoo form: "FORE!" After the second drive-by, the Tour players jump in a courtesy car and chase after the culprit. Last scene: The players coming up to the vehicle, now disabled with an overheated, smoking engine, and find Signboy behind the wheel! "I can explain, guys--I can explain. Tiger stiffed me out of 3 percent and a pair of Foot-Joys."

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Tagline: "Hey, Terry, don't quit your day job and get back on the sofa! The fall to the floor couldn't do any more harm to your face."

While waiting for final script approval, Terry Moore can be reached at tmoore@usxchange.net